Speed Marriage... you can't keep up with a Kardashian

It looked real to everyone, including the groom apparently, but Kim Kardashian had other things in mind. So how does someone file for divorce within 72 days?

Let’s look back in history. Kim’s first marriage (yes, Kris is her second husband) to music producer Damon Thomas, lasted less than four years. Ok, we can accept that in four years things can go wrong. But, her second marriage to Kris Humphries was shorter than Taylor Swift's speech before Kanye took the microphone (thanks Twitter... and you should all be thanking me for not telling you what Wil Anderson thought was longer than Kim’s marriage).

Kim has said “I had hoped this marriage was forever but sometimes things don't work out as planned”. Apparently, Kim doesn’t want to live where Kris lives, in Minnesota. Just thinking maybe that’s a conversation you would have before the $20 million wedding? But I’m a stickler for the details. Kim says it was not an easy decision. Huh? Some people spend more than 72 days deciding whether to cut their hair. In fact, I know one guy who’s had the same hairstyle since 1982. Now that’s commitment.

So, now the questions... 

How long will the mourning period be? Experts say that for every year you’re together, you mourn post relationship for 6 weeks. So for a marriage that lasts less than three months, it seems just over a week will be plenty. If we’re generous, we could say they met 10 months ago, so that would make the mourning period around 5 weeks. But my money’s on the one week scenario.

Will she give back the bling? The monster accessory reportedly cost $2 million. Given she’s worth about four times what he’s worth, and she’s the one filing for divorce within a millisecond, she should pop it in the mail to him, registered post of course.

And finally, who’s next? There have been a few entertainers and a long string of footballers in Kim’s past. However, she might have done her dash in the sporting arena for now. Even the dumbest footballer isn’t going to fork out for the type of bling that will catch Kim Kardashian’s eye, knowing he might never see it again. She needs someone who will blindly idolise her. I'm thinking a network executive, or a plastic surgeon. But given she’s supposed to make an appearance at the Spring Racing Carnival in Melbourne this week, my money’s on our very own ‘Idol’ Milsy (thanks Starsh).

☺

Kim x

Personalised number plates

I was in far north Queensland recently, driving behind a red Nissan sports car (370z coupe or similar) with the licence plate number DRBOBS. I’ll admit it, I jumped to all sorts of conclusions about the type of person that is - Dr Bob. I couldn’t see him, only the back of his car. All I knew about Dr Bob that could be based in fact was his choice of car and his personalised number plate that told all and sundry he was a doctor. So here’s my theory on Dr Bob…

He’s in his late 40s, or maybe just turned 50. He’s a plastic surgeon. Or a cardiologist. He’s losing or has lost some of his hair. He has a need to prove his worth to others. He likes nice cars.

The car is nice and I have no issue with his ride. I would drive one if I got it for free. Not that I couldn’t buy it if I rearranged my priorities. It’s just not a priority of mine to drive a red Nissan sports car. However, there are some things I wouldn’t own, even if they were free. Close to the top of that list is a personalised number plate.

Now, I could legitimately drive around with a number plate that says DRKIMS. Nine years of university certainly says I’ve earned the right. But would I? Absolutely not. Why? Do I really have to explain it? Even Dr Bob has to admit that a licence plate number like DRBOBS doesn’t project a flattering image of the good doctor.

But it’s not even the unbecoming representation that a personalised number plate can project that worries me. Some personalised number plates are totally inert. But really, who wants to be so easily identifiable?

I like a little mystery… and that involves a number plate that’s not so easily identified by my friends, acquaintances and those who vaguely know of me. Maybe my car is parked outside the party shop while I organise a surprise event for a friend who happens to be driving past at the time. Or maybe my car is parked at the local Breast Screen clinic which perhaps I'd like to keep private. Or maybe I want to stalk an ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend at her place of work. Hypothetically.

Dr Bob can’t go anywhere without those he knows and those he doesn’t know, knowing his every move. That’s just not cricket. But then, Dr Bob does want to be noticed. I guess that’s the point of his choice of car and licence plate. Maybe he’s a podiatrist.

☺

Kim x

Mother of the Year Award

Someone I know once locked herself out of her house. Annoying at the best of times, but particularly bad when you’re locked outside and your small child is locked inside, all alone. She faced a dilemma: wait for the locksmith and try to sooth your distressed infant child through the window, or break the window and comfort your child with actual cuddles while you wait for the window guys. She opted for the former. Repairing the window was going to be more expensive than the locksmith.

She’s in the running for my version of the Mother of the Year Award. We all know about the great mothers who get everything right. We’ve read about them in fairytales. Occasionally, one of them gets an Order of Australia. In real life though, sometimes we just have to be practical.

I do ok as a mother. I adore my children and they know it. They are treated with the respect and consideration they deserve, and are afforded every opportunity I can provide. But I’m not perfect. Today is one of those days when one of my kids thinks I’m ruining her life. So, what is my crime?

At gymnastics recently, all the kids were graded and those with the ability to move up to the next level were invited to do so. My kid, I’m told, is one who has qualified to move up. Lovely. Thanks very much. At the moment, her gymnastics class goes from 4-5pm. The next level up is a two hour class and goes from 5-7pm. We are talking about a child who is in bed at 7pm. And she does piano, ballet and swimming on other days. She needs time to eat, bathe and, of course, play! Not to mention I have my own work and social schedule and she’s not an only child.

When I mentioned that I thought she was too young for a two hour class that finished so late, the instructor’s response was, “Oh, is she only five?” Hello? Would you like to check those details before you create chaos in my household? It wouldn’t have been a problem had they not told me of her great talents and abilities, right in front of her. They made such a fuss about the excitement of moving up to the next level that my daughter now feels her life depends on it.

I knew I wasn’t putting her into the higher class but I had to manage this controversy for ultimate domestic harmony. So I did what any self respecting Mother of the Year would do. I referred the matter to her father. Sorted.
☺
Kim x

Justice, revenge and teaching people 'lessons'

I was watching Insight and they were discussing revenge. It got me thinking about my not so nice interactions.

Many years ago I had an incident on a local road. I wouldn't call it road rage. More, road frustration. I was trying to turn right at a busy T intersection. There were no traffic controls and I was relying on other drivers to create a space for me to make my right hand turn. The traffic slowed in both directions. My path was clear. So I moved across the intersection to turn right. And then it happened. I was blocked by a car who sped up to occupy the space I was heading for.

I was a little more hot headed back then than I am now, so my response to the driver of that car was, I would say, verbally creative. I held up my hands in disbelief. He could see me out of the corner of his eye but chose to pretend I wasn't there. When the traffic finally started moving in his direction, he still didn't let me in. Instead, as he slowly drove off, he turned his head towards me to smile and flip me the bird. He was so busy gesturing in my direction that he didn't notice the traffic had stopped again ahead. Within two seconds, he came to a sudden halt, smashing straight into the car in front of him.

He was furious. But me, I just couldn't stop laughing. I didn't want to laugh. I knew it would further aggravate the situation. But it was an automatic response and I couldn't stop. I quickly changed direction and fled the scene like a frightened mouse. But I was still laughing.

Is that revenge? No, I don't think so. I didn't smash his car. Retribution? Maybe. Karma? Certainly. Whatever you call it, the response is the same. The reward centre of my brain lit up like a christmas tree when he hit that poor unsuspecting driver in front of him. Many years later, I can still see the look of shock on his face. The smile was gone.

And that's the thing about justice. We seek it to make us feel better. And it makes us feel better by stimulating the reward centre of our brain - the same part of our brain that lights up when we experience kindness and positive feedback. This part of our brain activates when we feel justice is served or someone has been 'taught a lesson'.

The thing about revenge, justice and teaching lessons, is that it might give you satisfaction at your most primitive level, but in the long term, I don't believe it does anything to help you. What I know now is that you never really teach anyone a lesson. People have to learn in their own way and in their own time. Plotting and executing revenge strategies just brings a whole lot of negativity into your world. And the only lesson you teach the other person is that you're just a little bit crazy, and very unevolved, and that they're better off being rid of you.

So maybe I wasn't directly responsible for the T intersection accident, but I'm not totally innocent. I once cut all the buttons off an ex boyfriend's favourite shirt after a break up, and took the buttons with me. A minor infringement in the big scheme, but a seeking of revenge nonetheless. If you're reading this Simon, it was me... and I'm sorry.
☺
Kim x

Father's Day

I was very underprepared for Father's Day this year. So much so that I had to find something around the house, wrap it up and put a card on it from one of my kids. It was one of B's work pens and it was even branded with the company name on it. But I'd run out of time to buy a gift for each child to give their dad, so it was my only option. It's the worst kind of re-gifting really... to be given something that's already yours. Or is it?

It got me thinking. Is re-gifting ever acceptable?

Someone I know received a wedding gift from an invited guest. When the presents were being opened the day after the festivities, she found from this particular friend, an item she would never buy for herself, and that's not in the good way. Not only was the gift obviously not to her taste, but she also found the original card, to the original recipient (her invited guest) in the box!

So is that worse than what I did to my husband this Father's Day? Or is it merely an efficient form of recycling?

There is one that's worse than that. A couple of years ago, we had a Mother's Day stall at my kid's daycare centre. Each family was asked to donate one $5 female friendly present for each child that attended the centre. I went to the supermarket and bought some hand cream and some bath salts, wrapped them up and dropped them off. It soon got around that not everyone had bought something new. One family decided that their donation to the Mother's Day stall would be a lipstick. The only problem was that it had already been used... significantly used.

The re-gifting I did this weekend for Father's Day was done with full disclosure. My husband knew he already owned the pen. He was warned the night before that I hadn't had a chance to pick up a gift for each of our children, and he had two real presents to open. The pen was just something to wrap so the youngest child wouldn't feel that she hadn't contributed her own gift. But what if it's not for the sake of your kid? What if you're giving away something that YOU don't want, to someone else, for their special occasion.

Most of us would agree that we don't want to open a gift from our kids that carries bacteria from some semi-random stranger. But is there ever a time when re-gifting is acceptable? 

Kim x